WHen Shari Leid was a teenager heading towards the university, she proudly opted for a vanity plate on her Mazda 323 hatch which was a shortened version of one of her most deployed words: “never mind. “”
Now decades later, she has a different vision of the disdainable to close a conversation with a casual sterile remark. It was, she discovered, the only word that can break even the strongest links-the one she had to teach to suffocate in the interest of maintaining healthy relationships.
The problem with “anything”
“Whatever” is a “word of combat,” says Leid, an expert in friendship who is the author of books, including The flow of friendship 50/50– And it's immature to that. “People stop and notice it,” she says. “It's opposite, and there is something that seems degrading.”
Brush a conversation with “anything” immediately degenerates the tension in the conversation, whether you are talking to a friend, a family member or customer service who will not accept your return. Not only is it passive-aggressive, but it demonstrates indifference or a lack of respect. In addition, this leaves no room for a continuous speech. “” Everything that “is such a simple outcome – that does not continue the conversation,” said Leid. “It's almost like you say” shut up “. Where are you going with this conversation?
Find out more: How to know if your friendship is toxic and what to do on this subject
This may be why the people of the reception often point out a physical reaction: they could step back, says Leid, as if they had been slapped, as the tension rises and that they realize that their friend agrees to treat them in a coarse and sarcastic way.
“This is a very selfish thing to say,” says Leid. You point out that you “don't worry about his feelings.” It cuts someone. It is a hierarchy. This is a way of saying: “Go ahead and give your opinion, but it doesn't matter”.
What to say instead
During a recent disagreement with his boyfriend, Leid was struck with a momentary impulse to leave a “anything”. She has resisted the urge, saying rather: “I can't tell you about it now.” No matter the type of situation in which you are, you can also buy time. “I need a moment”, for example, works well when you are so amplified that you could otherwise say something that you regret. “Even if they have encouraged the fight, the lasting impact of something so disdainful is perhaps not what you mean in the fire of the moment,” she said.
Find out more: 8 things to say during a fight with your partner
Taking a beat before responding to a friend or a partner is a learned reaction, says Leid, and that is not always easy. With practice, you can answer more calm and less disdainful. “The more we practice this reaction, especially when someone puts us in front or says something that we do not like – the better we are talking about it,” she says. “We are able to come back stronger and feel confident about what we say.”
You are probably not the only person to take a break either: your conversation partner could also benefit from time apart. “It brings you control,” says Leid. Now that she has in their fifties, she knows exactly what her plate of vanity would say if she commanded a new one: “Breathe. “”
Wondering what to say in a delicate social situation? Send an email to timetalk@time.com
