The dating applications left me suicidal. How can I find love before it is too late? | Life and style

I am a 40 year old man who used dating applications for eight years and met on 100 different women, not to mention those with whom I just discussed. These are a lot of first dates, a few seconds and a few short relations. Nothing stuck.

No one seems to want a relationship. Everyone is broken, including me. Some women refuse me, allegedlyBecause I ask to divide the bill on the second date, having paid the first. Some refuse me because I want children and they don't. Some tell me that I am a nice man, after which I no longer hear them. I never ghost no one, but I also refused good people. I was trying to do the right thing And My heart. It seems that everyone is Looking for chemistry and not finding it.

So I tried to meet women without using applications. My friends are married or in long -term relationships and unfortunately I don't know Anyone who could make me match. When I was younger, I worked in a large business and I went to house celebrations; Now I'm independent and my friends throw baby Showers. So I do not meet single women so much. But I went to bars and I courageously chatted with the The women I imagined. Sometimes it really works – We connect and go later to a date. But she can love me professionally or as an Imi; It can already be in a relationship.

I work for long hours and I rarely meet new people. I go to a social event once a week, but often it looks more like networks. I also tried the dating of speed in vain.

At least on applications, all women are single, which is a good start. But last year, the corrosive activity of sweeping, discussion, meeting, rejection or above all to reject it became too much and I planned to commit suicide. I deleted the applications instead of me. I would like to be able to allow myself advice, but it is too expensive and the speaking therapies of the NHS seem to be reserved for people who have more harm than me, which is understandable.

I want to find love and try to have children before it is too late. I would appreciate your advice.

Something struck me about dating applications – and I say that with apprehension – but they are not different from the real dating for the presence insofar as people sometimes think that they are ready for a relationship, but unconsciously they are not. I wonder if that could Do you be.

I spoke to Susanna Abse, a psychoanalytic psychotherapist of couples and the author of Tell me the truth about love. “The world of dating applications is notoriously difficult,” she says. “It is clear that you are bruised and disappointed with experience. Reality, however, is that a estimated 8% of people In the United Kingdom, now find their partners in this way, the older you are, the more likely it will be. »»

If it is true that people on dating applications are (mainly!) Single, it is also a highly under pressure frame. As Abse says: “People can be very worried about rejection, they therefore avoid showing interest.”

The round of wonders if “the openness and the will to seek friendship are actually as important as chemistry. Of course, immediate physical attraction is great, but perhaps chemistry also develops over time if the person is interesting and, above all, interested in you. In other words, this goes both directions – are you interesting? Are you curious about those you meet? ”

We are wondering if you plan to do something that interests you – an activity – and put it before looking for a partner, for a while, to get you out of the place where it seems to work or find a partner. ABSE makes another point. “I wonder if you have trouble with low-level depression,” she says. “You may tend to minimize and deactivate your feelings, because the idea that feeling suicidal is not something that would qualify you for the support of NHS therapy is simply bad.”

I take all the suicide mentions very seriously. Please consult your general practitioner and explain what you feel. ABSE also suggests group therapy, which can help us see how we interact with others and “is much more affordable”. Contact him Group Analysis Institute For more information.

Our feeling of value and our self -esteem can be increased by a partner, but ultimately, it must come from the inside. I have an intuition that if you could approach this first, the rest can follow.

In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans Can be contacted on Freephone 116 123, or send an email to jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the United States, you can call or send an SMS National suicide prevention line On 988, discuss on 988lifeline.orgOr text at 741741 to connect with a crisis advisor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international waiting lines can be found Lisofriendrs.org.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent by a reader. If you want Annasaa advice, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Analisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Annasa's latest series of the podcast is available here.