One of my friends hoped to have new friends at 26 years old. She did everything possible to put herself there: the clubs joined, volunteered, initiated catching up. But each time she establishes a new connection, she decreases after a few weeks. She suspects that it may be because she makes fun of people too early in friendship.
“They become silent and clumsy,” she told me. “I can't manage my jokes.”
It is difficult to grasp significant friendships in adulthood. A 2024 study have found that 42% of American adults feel that they are not as close to their friends as they would like. One out of 3 adults feels alone at least once a week, according to an American psychiatric Assn 2025. investigation.
Part of the challenge of making friends in adulthood is that it requires more efforts. You can have Competing responsibilities and are more selective Who you want to spend time. At the university, at school or a first job, “there was an integrated cohort of people who were in the same place in life as you are”, explains Linda Baggett, clinical psychologist in Manhattan Beach. You tend to lose this as you get older and that you must be more intentional to spend time with the same people again and againsaid Albert Bonfil, psychologist based in Los Angeles.
You may also have to hang on the social skills necessary to train and keep a link in the first place, known as Baggett, who adds that these skills rust when we do not socialize or do not feel anxious.
Times asked psychologists to share advice to feed new friendships, emphasizing social skills. Here's what they said.
1. Check your hypotheses
To connect with a friend, you must be able to be present and attentive to what he transforms, explains Yasmine Saad, clinical psychologist in New York. But “what you feel internally will color the story you have” on the interaction, she says.
So, if you assume that people think you are boring, then when someone does not laugh at your joke, you will see this as reinforced evidence for your internal point of view. But if you enter a conversation with an open mind, you might not take the lack of laughter of someone so personally.
“If you have history of social anxiety, you can get into social interactions hosting very strong hypotheses on what is happening,” explains Bonfil.
These types of hypotheses are distracting and can hinder the possibility that a friendship is formed.
“They hinder your emotional expressiveness,” explains Bonfil, “who is your ability to share your feelings or respond to the feelings of others.”
The best way to counter this instinct, says Bonfil, is to go to social situations in order to collect evidence that refutes these hypotheses. In doing so, they become less convincing and less likely to penetrate your interpretations of future interactions.
“By developing interpretations that are founded in real experience, you no longer leave reflection on the self-determination of undermining your relationships,” he said. In other words, you will not ruin people so quickly.
You are also more likely to remain emotionally regulated, says Saad, who “frees you from being more present and reading people correctly”.
2. Change the way you socialize
You are forced to meet people who socialize differently from you. You can savor in sarcasm while others may tend to be more serious, for example. But that doesn't mean you can't talk to them.
When you make a sarcastic joke to a new friend, observe their non -verbal clues, says Bonfil. Have they become silent, restless, clumsy? Take note of what they say. Have they expressed disgust for the joke?
“What I try to do is facilitate a kind of conversation, to use their clues to modulate the amount of sarcasm that I use,” explains Bonfil.
If they seem uncomfortable, change speed and offer them another part of your personality, explains Bonfil. You may also be attentive or curious to see the lives of others. Direct with these other parts of you when you interact with this friend.
The adjustment of the way you interact with someone who socializes differently does not mean reigning in your personality, explains Saad. “Look at this not as limiting yourself but relaxing.”
3. Listen, listen really
When you talk to a friend, do you often think what to say then instead of paying attention? There is a good chance that you do not really listen to.
“Many people are not as good to listen to as they think,” says Baggett.
This is particularly true if you are too concerned about the way you detach yourself.
“If you are worried in social situations, you can miss indices or not listen to other people because you try to think about what to say then,” says Bonfil.
Being really curious to know what the person has said facilitates the pursuit of the conversation wherever they stop.
“If you really think of what they said, then you will have all kinds of other things to say,” says Bonfil. “You may want to talk about your experience of the thing they said earlier. Or you are going to have an innate curiosity and ask them what they meant by X, Y and Z.”
4. Kiss the little conversation
I hate little conversations. I find it boring and worry that it means that the conversation is condemned. But Bonfil says that the little conversation is just a sign that you always learn.
“Relations do not start deeply and deeply,” he says. “They start very superficial.”
The little conversation is a tool you use to find out more about a person who is still new enough for you, he explains. It is “supposed to be dull”, because you choose security subjects, which are generally good with people instead of shaking the boat too early.
While you beat around harmless subjects such as weather, the last football score or that The television show final, you assess how the person reacts. He helps you build a mental image of how the person could be in a friendship, says Bonfil. Who knows, after several occasions of small speeches, you could have a new boyfriend or realize that you have nothing in common.
Accalmories and clumsiness in small conversations are normal, explains Bonfil. This does not mean that you do something wrong or that the person is not worthy of your friendship, he said. It just means that it is always a relatively new relationship.
Smile, take a drink, think about what they have said so far and ask a follow -up question. The follow -up question will come back to you if you have listened and you are curious about your friend, says Bonfil.
Keep five subjects of small speech at hand that you can rotate if you wait for a new wire to follow during silence. Here are some to help you start:
- What do you like to spend time doing outside of work / care?
- Have you ever watched a film or read a book more than once? What about call or so resonated with you?
- What were you recently excited?
- What was your school growing up, what did children and teachers look like?
- Do you have any plans for your next vacation?
5. Share in moderation
There is nothing wrong with declaring a friend about something or raising a personal problem. After all, for a friendship to deepen, the two parties must be prepared to show vulnerability, explains Saad.
“If you cannot be vulnerable, others cannot feel safe with you and open up to you,” and vice versa, “she said.
But it is important to avoid dominating a conversation, explains Baggett. He can burn a new friend.
If you are in a mood to evacuate, test the waters to see if someone could be receptive. Baggett says something as simple as to ask: “Could it be ok if I let off steam a little?” And waiting for their consent could do the trick. Then share a little at the same time and assess how the person reacts.
“If you put it all at the same time, there is no way to do the correct course,” she said.
You can say that a person wants to listen to if they look, ask follow -up questions or maintain visual contact.
“But if you see signs like wiggle, turn your eyes, glazed eyes, uncomfortable facial expressions, you can check and ask if they are uncomfortable with what you share,” advises Baggett.
Your friend can just have a bandwidth limited at that time, “or maybe the person who makes the ventilation transforms a large percentage of ventilation interactions”, explains Baggett.
You can avoid the latter by always making sure “there is space so that the other person can also share, so it is balanced and he does not have the impression of being hostage in your story,” explains Baggett. So after your diatribe, ask your friend how they make. Or, for the next catch -up, turn attention to make a fun activity together.
Remember
The best way to improve any social competence is practice. So, continue to initiate catch -up, accepting invitations to occasional pendans, attending these dinners after work and chatting with knowledge during events. If you encounter a slowdown or you feel your level of anxiety arrows, there are psychologists and specialize in friendships and social anxiety that can offer you personalized support. (Before they push you there to practice, practice and practice a little more.)
