What you should know if there is no sexual attraction for your partner, according to a therapist

Publisher's note: Ian Kerner is a approved therapist, writer and marriage contributor on the subject of relations for CNN. He is the author of a guide for couples: “So tell me about the last time you have had sex.”

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Many heterosexual male customers enter my practice by admitting that they have chosen their partner without considering sexual attraction.

During couple therapy sessions with his partner in the room, man will say that he does not know why he does not feel desire. It may be stress, weak testosterone or an anxious feeling.

But when I meet him individually, he often tells another story. He tells me that he chose his partner without prioritizing sexual attraction.

Why would a person choose a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and prosper? Something like the sexual attraction that was not there in the first place can be cultivated later?

I spoke with many men in the thirties who said to me: “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one. ”

The characteristics of this list include “being my best friend”, “will make an incredible mother”, “our friends and our families get along so well” and “she really loves me”. The only box that was not checked? Sexual attraction – And often men do not even list this quality to start.

I was amazed.

Sexuality is the only thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic relationship: I find that it is a kind of “relational glue” which helps couples to stay together through difficult moments. This is why I am perplexed that so many people devalue sex to choose a partner for a long -term relationship.

“”Research shows that, although physical attractiveness is generally among the most important features that people want in a romantic partner, this does not exceed the list of men or women, ”said Dr Justin LehmillerResearcher at the Kinsey Institute of the University of Indiana, a research center dedicated to sexuality. “Traits like intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness are often at least as important, if not more.”

Some men have internalized a “either / or” vision of women: those who make great women and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous, according to sex based in Chicago, Dr. Elizabeth Perri.

“I observed this in male patients who are in the world of meetings and feel the pressure to choose someone they perceive as” wife material “but without sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a partner that is better suited both emotionally and sexually,” said Perri.

Good sex can help protect against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression, helps couples obtain a deeper connection and improves relational satisfaction.

“If a relationship is a meal, the sexual part should be considered as an integral part of it, like protein, instead of a frivolous part like dessert,” explains Eva Dillon, a sex based in New York.

“According to my experience, it is possible for women to cultivate the desire of a partner with a considerable effort, but if a man does not have the desire for his partner at the beginning of a relationship, he never wanted it,” said Dillon. Why count on the sexual attraction to come later when you can prioritize it in a partner and take advantage of the advantages from the start? »»

However, levels of lower sexual attraction are not always a problem for couples, said sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.

“For some people, a lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or a divorce. For others, a lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when you connect to societal expectations concerning sex and desire, “said Fulbright, who is an assistant professor in the sociology department of the American University in Washington, DC.

“Lots of pressure is exerted on couples to maintain active, hottest sexual lives.

Some of my therapy colleagues have warned against putting too much emphasis on the importance of immediate sexual attraction.

“We have this false idea that we must be physically attracted to someone during our first meeting or there is no relational potential. This is simply not true,” said Dr. Rachel Needle. “The attraction can grow as you get to know someone and experience increased proximity and connection.”

What should you do if you and your partner lacks sex vapor? Or if you want to increase heat on a relationship that didn't have to start?

Fulbright warned against radical advice. “Only partners can find the best way to manage this challenge in their relationship,” she said.

“Non-monogamy can work for some, but not others. Couples must decide how honest the others are, how much this question is a dealbreaker to stay together against no, and how much weight should be given to this problem in light of other good things they have for them,” she added by email.

Do not think everything is lost if you are in a long -term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they focus on it. “It is often only in the thirties that we are quite comfortable asking what we want in bed,” said Dillon.

But I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks that married couples will stop sex anyway, so why bother to prioritize sexual attraction.

“Many couples in their fifties can explore and extend their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. For couples in sixties, the 1970s and beyond who are able to extend their definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-creation of intimacy, sex can continue to be dynamic and rich, “added Dillon by e-mail.

And keep in mind that your sexual health is a barometer of your overall health. So, if you really feel an inexplicable drop in sexual interest, remember to speak to your medical supplier. Maybe your testosterone levels have really fallen.

Whatever the source of your lack of sexual interest, just be frontal with your partner. Honesty, in the end, can be excitement (possibly).