10 things to say when someone will not come out of their phone

Trying to talk to someone stuck on their phone is such a universal experience, there is a name for that: “Phubbing”, “Snubbing of the phone” or ignore someone in favor of a phone. “Everyone hates it, but everyone has also done it,” explains Jean Twenge, professor of psychology at the San Diego State University and author of the next book 10 rules to raise children in a high -tech world. “When someone makes you Phub, you feel like you are not important – what is on their phone is more important than you.”

Phubbing negatively Mental health, relational satisfaction and general well-being. This is why it is worth talking about digital distraction. “It's difficult and annoying, but we should do it,” says Twenge. “We have to face this situation.”

Here is exactly what to say when the person you are trying to talk about will not come out of their phone.

“I have a group conversation that explodes at the moment, but I prefer to talk to you without being distracted. Can we put our phones in our bags? ”

A few years ago, Twenge heard of a group of women who pushed their phone at the center of the table when they were released for dinner. The first person to reach his device had to pay the bill. This is an intelligent approach, says Twenge, but you don't even need to make him a financial turn: instead, you all suggest dropping your phones somewhere out of sight, as in your bags.

Learn more:: What to say when you forget someone's name

Twenge loves this phrasing because he is not accusing: “It's a subtle way of going through the message of” Hey, we all have things on our phones, but I want to talk to you now, “she said. “It's a very polite way to say,” I want us to focus on this conversation. “”

“Is everything going well?”

This question allows the possibility that there is an emergency – while implying that, if there is none, it would be better to lower the phone. It may seem slightly conflicting, says Twenge, but it is better than slamming the other person to leave their aircraft. “You must find a way to film this needle to recognize that there could be something important that happens,” she said. “But it's a call.”

“Something interesting there, can you share with me?”

It is a way of making someone talk about what is on their phone and, therefore, to search for said device. Do people generally share or do they simply take it as a reminder to be more present? “I saw him go in both directions,” explains Twenge. “Sometimes it's just an exchange of text with someone else, but from time to time, it will be like” watch this really funny video “or” Here is this funny image that someone sent me. “Anyway, the idea is to bring them back into the conversation in person.”

“Is this the right time to talk, or should I come back when you're done?”

This approach is direct but always respectful. He draws attention to the fact that the other person is clearly distracted, without asking anything, explains Tessa Stuckey, therapist and founder of Project searchA non -profit organization that helps families create healthier screen habits. “It gives them autonomy, while honoring your own needs,” she says. She found that making aware of her conversation partner that she noticed that they are not entirely present is often everything you need to cause reset.

Learn more:: How to reconnect with the people who are close to your heart

“I miss you when you are on your phone.”

To tell someone you miss comes from a place of vulnerability, no blame – and stuckey likes that it is almost guaranteed to shoot your friend's heart. “You express that the phone creates a distance and that you want a connection,” she says. In addition, this invites empathy: most people do not realize how their screen use affects others until it is slowly underlined. The tip, adds Stuckey, is to say it warmly, with sincerity, so it looks like an emotional boost rather than a guilt.

“Can we take a 10-minute phone break?” I really want to catch up. ”

Asking someone to store your phone for so little time is realistic – it's a very feasible break, says Stuckey. You do not ask them to disconnect to always; You invite a shared moment. “People are more likely to disconnect themselves when there is a clear time limit and a good reason,” she said. In addition, it is collaborative, almost as if you were offering a team challenge.

Learn more:: The worst way of responding to a party invitation

“Hey friend, reconnections us.”

Seven years ago, when Seán Killingsworth was in high school, he fought so much with excessive screen time, he exchanged his smartphone for a rocking phone. It worked – he felt happier and more present – but his peers were always stuck to their phones, so he did things further and started ReconnectA group that now organizes events without telephone on university campuses across the United States

Ideally, more opportunities for socialization without phone would exist. But instead of formal options, Killingsworth recommends raising the concept to your friends: “We should try to spend time without our phones one day.” Talking why being present with each other is important. Then, the next time you notice that your friends are more focused on Facebook than your face, give a sweet reminder.

“These moments with you really count for me.”

If you dine with friends or if you spend quality time with a family member you don't see often, plan to draw attention to the importance of the moment. You could even follow by adding: “I would hate to look back and have the impression that we have failed because of our screens,” suggests Dr. James Sherer, a psychiatrist who deals with the dependence and the co-publisher of the Technological dependencies Manuel for the American Psychiatric Association. “It can be very powerful,” he says, and lead to significant improvements in the quality of relationships.

Learn more:: How to say “I told you” in a more effective way

“I noticed that when we are together, you are on Tiktok quite frequently, and that gives me the impression of being ignored.”

Focusing on how the use of someone's phone makes you feel more effective than “instigating” comments, says Sherer. You are not going to go very far from it: “You are still on Tiktok! You don't care about me!” Stressing your own observations and how a person's behavior makes you feel, however, plants a seed that can encourage them to reassess their habits. “The most important thing is to approach it with a non-judgment position,” he says. “You are not there to stack the dogs on the person.”

“Muskrat!”

The stuckey son was 8 years old on Christmas morning when he noticed that some family members paid more attention to their phones than watching him open his gifts. He had an idea: the family could designate an silly word of code which they called each time they wanted to point out that it was time to drop the devices and be present in their environment.