10 questions to ask your parents while you can still

ONees “biggest sorrows”, Dr. Shoshana Ugerleider hears his patients is that many want them to ask their parents more questions.

“As we come to this consideration that we wanted to know something, it is sometimes too late to ask,” explains Ungerleider, doctor in internal medicine and founder of FinishA non -profit organization that aims to change the way people speak and plan the end of life. “It is not only a question of collecting stories, although there is beauty and power. It is a connection – and of honoring someone when they are always able to feel them and live it.”

Where are you even starting, especially if your conversations tend to focus on the banal aspects of life? We asked experts to share the most significant questions to ask your parents while you can.

“What are you at the moment that I don't know?”

If you are not used to having serious conversations with your parents, facilitate discreet heating. “Any type of novel or promotion to low issues” will do the trick, explains Jenny Shields, psychologist and bioethicist in Houston – like asking mom or daddy new interests. “People like to share on themselves, and that expels them from the automatic pilot,” she adds. “It is light, it flows the juice and it helps us make ourselves more comfortable asking these most difficult questions.”

“If your life had chapters, what title would you give this one?”

This is another way of encouraging people to open up, especially if they generally avoid becoming vulnerable. “It may not be easy to say:” I am literally in hell right now, and everything is horrible, “says Shields. Sharing a single creative and creative line on the way life happens, however, is more feasible. Consider your parents' response as a “thermometer from where they are,” she urges. “This gives you a small signal of what will happen and allows them to slowly start to disclose in a safer way.”

Learn more:: For better well-being, just breathe

“When do you feel the most calm and anchored these days?”

When you are ready to dig a little more, ask your parents when they feel most at peace. The answer will be revealing, says Shields – what if they say “never”? You might be bonding to feel like life is too chaotic; Or, you can share the way you get in time to recharge: “I take five minutes in the morning to have my coffee on the porch.” Conversation can also work two ways to strengthen empathy. “You might say,” I feel that I don't have time – the children are so young, there is not a while to breathe, “she said. “Then they can say,” My God, I remember what it was. You're right – it's so hard. »»

“What do you want the most for my life?”

It may be significant to ask your parents to share their most deeply held hopes for their children (it's you) and, if necessary, their grandchildren. Although they surely want you to succeed and that you reach your goals, “other things – interpersonally and relational – are also incredibly important,” says Ungerleider. This could include “talking about how we live our lives and we love each other and we care about each other”.

“What were your most painful moments?”

It must be the right time to raise such a sensitive subject, but the way your parents react can give you an overview of their most formative experiences. This is especially true if you combine it with a follow-up question: “What brought you out of the lowest point in your life?” “You could really learn by seeing how someone was facing an obstacle or adversity, then how he got out,” explains Ungerleider. Your mom or dad can be more resilient than you have done – which could inspire you for years.

“What have you changed your mind in recent years?”

This is one of Shields' favorite prompts – she asks all the students of her psychology course. This encourages them to slow down and consider the fact that they have flexibility in the way they think, she says; Nothing is static.

Find out more: 9 ways to set healthy limits with your parents

In addition, your mom or dad may surprise you. Maybe they have changed their minds on something you’re in disagreement. “It helps start this cropping process of old injuries and old patterns,” she said. “We all learn new things as we grow up. This is normal, and we want to build this empathy for each other. ”

“What do you want more people to know about you?”

The way your parent reacts will help you understand the qualities they appreciate the most of themselves. You may learn that your mom really likes to be recognized for the way she serves everyone silently around her when she hosts, for example. “Then, you, as a child, can recognize the next time it does something like that – you will have the ability to assert it,” says Shields. “We all want to feel seen, and what matters to a person who is not the thing that the other thinks.

“What was love in your family like growing up?”

Learning in what type of family dynamics in your parents has grown can emit surprising light on your own education. Shields suggests following questions such as: “Was there emotions that were not welcome in your home? What happened if you needed comfort? Are there some tacit rules?” You may find that your mom was not allowed to speak, and Dad would have trouble if he was crying – which then opened the door to talk about how these rules have shaped who they should be and who have become. Suddenly, the experiences of your own childhood, which you could still host resentments, could make more sense.

“What were you afraid of when you became a parent?”

There are many different layers that affect someone's travel in parenting: “We are talking about cultural influence, historical influence, generational influence and what could have happened in his family line”, explains Miranda Malone, coach, therapist and founder of the Mother's loss collective. She lost her mother when she was only 5 months old, which started a lot for fear of having her own child: “Will I be there for him? Will I die early and leave him?”

Read more: 14 things to say in addition to “I love you”

Ask your mom or dad what they were afraid of when they entered their new roles help humanize them, says Malone, while proving that they did not have everything either. “It reminds us that our parents had their own fears, doubts and stories that shaped the way they presented themselves for us,” she said. “Our parents are just people who have had children.”

“What do you hope that people say about you after your departure?”

Malone's mother died at the age of 19 – and everything she knows about her comes from others. This aroused a strong belief in the importance of talking about heritage. Ask your parents how they hope to remember “highlight the way they see each other, how they see what type of parent they were, what type of friend they were and what type of partner they were,” she said.

Not enough people to think and talk about this kind of thing, adds Ungerleider – which is understandable. It might want to invite sadness and sorrow in your relationship before you need it, but it is best to be consumed with regrets on the road. “There is a good inherited work that you can do before each time this possible end is,” she says. “I certainly think of what you leave physically, or the things you have created in your life, but also in the way you hope that people feel in your presence and the experiences they have had with you.”